I wish I am being missed.

I guess if you have people to take care of you, you would just forget about me.

I just dont see the reason to go on anymore. I mean what for? For whom? I guess the only reason I am still alive is killing myself would take effort and planning, and I fell too lazy for that. Watch an episode of The Simpsons instead, shall we! Also, it would be messy. Cant die with no class. I gotta come up with something, either something to live for, or a classy way to die. Cause the life as is, is boring me.

I wish to surf. If I have just one thing to do before I die, I would like to see you, and then ask for another chance, to surf at Malibu.

I watched "Dead poets society" today, long after the death of Robin Williams. Would that count as irony?

For Shweta

I never meant to hurt you. I know you won't be reading this. But I just want you to know that I am not a liar. You have always been my best friend. I just wish we could talk again.

I know I have done more than my fair share of mistakes. But does that mean I can't even be angry?

I don't know how to lie.
You ask me if you love me, and I said no.
I wasn't lying.

I had always loved you.
When I told you that, you didn't believe.
Until it was too late.

I never asked for more than being a friend.
But you were to be the only one,
Who never left my side.

I did what I had to.
You did what you had to.
I'm fucked. You are too.

Shit!

I try not to keep crying all the time. Its doable. Atleast literally. You can't stop your heart from crying though. May be its not crying. May be its bleeding. You can't say for sure. Hurts a lot like bleeding though. But how would I know. I don't have it with me anymore. Figuratively.

Why don't we ever get what we really want. I've heard so much about how the entire universe conspires for you, to get you, what you want truly, but it never happened to me. Is it my fault, maybe I don't love you hard enough to make the universe believe. Or is the universe not capable enough. In either case, it is I who ends up being alone.

I am not your friend and I never will be your friend. You know very well what you are to me. So if you want a friend, go buy a puppy.

Sometimes i clutch the pillow by the corner, while sleeping. Makes me feel I am still holding your hand.

It has been too long since we talked. I still miss you. I still get nightmares about you leaving...you moved on....I couldn't

I have never told you about my dreams. Especially the ones after I lost you. The most most haunting one had you, and me, standing on either side of a glass window. I was inside, and I could see you through the window, standing just a few inches away from me, wearing a black dress. I could see tears in your eyes, and your face is sad, so very sad. I have never seen anyone this sad, makes me cry. I have my right hand on the sill. I raise my left hand and press my open palm against the glass. You do the same, with your right. I can almost touch you. I think I am touching you. But I am not. And you are so sad. Sad because of me.

Never, never, never, never let me go

The irony

You see, the thing is, that I am a crazy person. You know it, and I know it. And we both know that what I am crazy about, its you. But for some reason, you seem to be scared of my craziness. I guess that's because you are normal. But I wouldn't know that. So, anyways, I have been trying to not be crazy around you. But I promise you this, nothing can stop me from being crazy about you now, because its just what I am. Though, you don't get to know now, the crazy stuff I do, for you.

I just can't breathe today. Are you alright?

I guess the only way I would be able to live in love, in this life, is while watching movies based on John Green novels. He is not that good a writer, but his books do have soul.

Nothing I say could make you feel good.

I fell in love with her, the way you fall asleep. Slowly, and then all at once.


-from Tfios

Some nights, I lie down on bed and try to stay awake. I think about the time that we spent together. Sometimes, I smile. Other times, I begin missing you too much, and I start crying. I try to be fair with all that I remember. Good times, bad times, I cherish every moment. Everytime I think of you, I try to relive us. The moments you liked me, the moments when you hated me. The way your eyes got deeper when you said you love me, everytime. That made me believe, you mean it. And the way you sighed when I said I love you.

I love you. I still do. You don't have to love me back. But you don't have to stop me either.

No such thing as too late. Do you hear me?

Shakespeare is an idiot

Now that I've had you, I know what I am missing. Guess its not better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved ever. Shakespeare is an idiot.

I sometimes hate living with myself. But what choice do I have.

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

How good you write, depends on why you are writing it.

When you write to impress a girl, the girl is impressed, but your writing is shit.

When you write to get known, people get to know you, because you are the one who writes shit.

When you write for money, you do get money, but your writing is still shit.

But when you write, to write good, you get to write good, along with all that shit.

You will never read about what happens inside the mind of a suicidal person. There are three kind of people who might know about it. Some try to guess it and write about it. But they don't know shit. Some, who are on the brink of depression, try to understand it and explain it. They might be so depressed as to get a peek inside the darkness of a suicidal mind. Still, the essence in purity could never be verbalized, because one who is in such a deep abyss, who has decided to let go of all, who now cares neither for glory nor acceptance, could not care less for coloring a paper that others might admire, idolize, loathe or just ignore.

But then, there is the third kind, known as the "living dead", the ones who got back from the suicidal pit, and now live in the state of constant depression. These are the few people who actually know, what it feels like, to accept death. But he doesn't keep sharing his NDEs with everyone. Its just by the virtue of probable incidence that some warm afternoon, when he is feeling not so sad, has a full belly and not so sleepy, that he picks up a pen and a piece of paper, for no one in particular, and writes his heart out.

If you are into English poetry, try "Oxford book of Verse" by Arthur Quiller-Couch.

ALL the words that I utter,
  And all the words that I write,
Must spread out their wings untiring,
  And never rest in their flight,
Till they come where your sad, sad heart is,
  And sing to you in the night,
Beyond where the waters are moving,
  Storm-darken'd or starry bright.

-William Butler

P.s. I might not have written this, but I do mean it, all the same.

I guess people like me only as long as I don't expect anything. The moment I ask for something...

Disney world

I have never been to Disney world. Read a lot about it though. I guess I have seen it in some movie too. Can't remember it now.

They say its the happiest place on earth. I wonder why is it so. Is it because only people who are already happy, allowed to go inside? If so, then how do they measure if a person is happy? Do they have some device like a thermometer. "You can't go in, you are only 98 Disney happy, you need to be at least 102 Disney happy, or higher to get in", they would say, with Disney being the SI unit of happiness.

Or is it because the people get happy when they go in? How can you make a person happy? I would surely love to know that. Then I would be the first person whom I would make happy. What exactly is it that makes people happy in Disney world? Is it the "Dream-come-true-life-size-mickey-and-goofy" figures, who seem so glad to hug you, even more than you do, or is it the unending array of fantasy rides that titillate the senses you never knew you had. What do I know, I've never been there.

I guess the whole idea of being happy is based on ignorance. "Ignorance is bliss". I heard it the first time in the movie "Matrix". Didn't understood much then, but nothing seems more true than this now. I think thats what the Disney world does to people. It enables people to ignore their problems, even if for a little while, and earns the title of a happy place. A place that won't solve your problems or guide you in your dark paths, hell thats not a church you know, but it would make you forget about all your life, and its deficiencies that you have identified, so far, and let you believe in this perfect world, that is, happy.

But I don't think I could ever be happy without you. Well then, there is only one way for me, I have to go to the Disney world with you.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

Desperation is never appreciated by any girl. They think of it as a sign of weakness. Ofcourse it is, you are my weakness. But I am not weak for the rest of the world, I assure you that.

Why no one ever comments on my posts? All I have is a single comment yet.

You see, if you are planning of singing sad ballads, you need to learn to play guitar "before" your heart is broken. 'Cause afterwards, you are as good as dead. You just can't do anything.

You don't need me for anything. But it feels good if you still want me for something.

I might be a good writer, but I am a terrible person. And if you disagree, you just don't understand good literature.

The feeling of happiness is always cluttered. Feels like something is missing, feel afraid that its going to be over, the impending sense of doom.

I feel calm, when I am sad. No hurry, no agitation, no noise. Just calm. Feels like the right thing to feel. I feel like I can breathe. No one to talk to, no one to answer to, no one to care about. And to know that no one cares about you either. Relaxed, peaceful, sad.

May be I take love too seriously.

Its your marriage anniversary right? Are you happy to ruin my life?

I want you to be ok. I don't want you to be ok.

I sometimes dream that you are sleeping in my arms, and I try to feel your warmth and softness.

I deserve to be loved.

Found something, not sure its yours or mine...

        I'm not sure if it matters to you or not anymore, but not a single moment passes by when I am not thinking of you. I am in love with you, unconditional, unwavering, unending. I am not asking you for anything, no expectations. I guess I blew off that chance. I don't even know if I would even see you again in this life, you have gone so far. But just know this, that whenever you think of me, this crazy boy would be badly missing you at the same moment.

Waves of time would soon wipe out,
Our footprints on the sand.
You have gone so far away,
And I am the one to blame.

Sometimes I tell you what I feel,
Sometimes I refrain.
'Cause I guess I don't humor you now,
I just cause you pain.

But you will always be my love,
For me, its all the same.
I would be waiting here for you,
Just look back and call my name.

And if you chose to be with me,
And let me be your man,
I would love to hold your hand,
And walk that sand again.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.

Happy b'day. Environment day. I never forget u knw.

You are such a strong person, that when you are in trouble, you don't need anyone to solve it for you, you don't want anyone. Not mom dad, not friends, not even me.

And that makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy for you, that you are so independent. Sad for me, for being so useless to you.

P.s. And by the time you are done, you are all "talked out" :-/ Nothing left for me.

I can always tell, when you are lying,
You are happy, or its a fake smile.

The story of my life (Yours too)

you have fallen on the ground,
waiting for a rebound,
get up, get down,
or let the world roll around.

trying not to give up,
but its all messed up.
and so far, just no luck,
you scream out, what the fuck!

with this one, you cant' fight.
so just live your life.
do it wrong, do it right,
you gonna be alright.

be it male, female,
we have some win, get some fail.
so Inhale, exhale,
and let the rock prevail.

Sometimes I feel that if I stay a failure, I might not regret my decisions.

You're my favorite song

You are my favorite song,
I can sing you all day long,
Close to my heart, where you belong,
You're my reason to go on.

My reason to believe in me,
You have changed the way I see,
My deepest hopes, my wildest dreams,
I now feel, they all could be.

(contd...)

I have screwed all of your lives, mine too, and I'm just merrily writing all about it, on this stupid blog. I'm an idiot.

What makes me love you? I guess, the way you look at me, the way you smile at me, I can see your love for me, in your eyes. Or is it just my love, reflected in yours. Can't say for sure. But I guess that's that. You reflecting my love, and I, reflecting you.

P.s. I can still see you.

I don't know how to move on. I guess I missed school that day.

Every time I read Eric Segal, I feel like what is the point of me trying to write? He has written everything I want to say to you. Why should I even try. I can never write as good as he has.

But then, he wrote for his love. I would write for you.

I HATE MYSELF!!!

The purpose to live

I'm doing it because it has to be done. I don't have a purpose to live my life. I don't care if I cease to exist this very moment. I have no idea what I would do with all this money. I don't even need money for food, I ain't eating anymore.

But, I'm just pushing myself, trying hard, in hope that someday, if, I find a purpose, I won't regret wasting my time, so that I won't look back at my past and blame myself for winding up in a bad state. I want to be ready, to be good enough, if and when, I find that purpose to live.

I wish the purpose would be you.

Sometimes I wake up at night and cry,
Until my eyes are all red and dry,
Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe,
Can't do nothing, don't even try.

And Just when I think I can't go on,
Your just one Hi, gets me by.

You know, what you mean to me

I know what I mean to you,
And you know what you mean to me,
Could have written a song about,
Just not in mood, I'm kinda sleepy.

You know what you mean to me...

Gonna play some music, in my tab,
Lie down on bed, with headphones on,
Won't sleep for long, too many thoughts,
Will keep on thinking, you, me, we.

You know what you mean to me...

Gotta wake up early, rush to work,
Don't see no meaning anymore,
Faces I see, don't care 'bout 'em,
Keep searching for you, Yamini.

You know what you mean to me... 

What we regret...

We don't regret that we found someone, we don't regret our time spent together, but we regret what we did what that person, and what we could have done. Regret is a rear view mirror, it shows only what happened in the past, the decisions we made, and the decisions we were too afraid to make.

I'm afraid. Can you help me?

Word of the Day: FUBAR

Adj. Fucked up beyond all recognition/repair/reason.

Use in a sentence: My life is Fubar.

Don't ask the questions, you don't want the answers to...

...thats why I never ask you, how are you? I would be sad, if you are sad. And I'm not sure what would happen to me, if you are happy.

I repeat, letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Dafaq.

Dafaq

If I am sending you personal message, chat or mail or whatever, and you are deleting it without even reading, then you should not feel bad if I'm not writing for you in the blog.

Had dreams of you all night. Happens every time after talking to you.

Sometimes, I think of writing

Sometimes I think that I should write. With all this pain, I'm sure what I write would reflect honesty, the people who read it might believe my stories.

But, writing is for someone who has figured it all out, someone who can conclude the story, who knows how to end it. I'm afraid I am not that person. I have no idea what is happening, what is going to happen or how to handle any of this.

Everyone is praising your pics, and everyone is coming to me.

And I hate it. Just crying. I should not have seen it.

You will forget me :(

Not liking this world too much.

I know what you are trying to do. Don't. Nothing that you do would make me hate you.

For those who don't know, I don't work for money, I work when inspired.

For mini

I'm trying to forget you Mini. I'm trying to move on. Can't. I got on FB after a long time today. Saw a pic of mine. You had commented on it. I know that you have blocked me on FB long ago, to protect me, because you still care, but I saw your latest profile pic. And I am unable to breathe for the last 10 minutes.

Please help me.

Waiting for you to come around...

"Love u baby! U made the worst days of my life the best ever... Love u more than the size of rhis universe! What goes around comes around! I knw we'll gt eachother one day! Ill wait for that day."

Do you still mean it? I do. And I am waiting for that day now.

Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Give me a second chance if you can. I regret every second without you. I am miserable without you.

Who said anything about being happy? That is not on my agenda for this life anymore. I know I cant be happy, because you are not with me. But I am going to live, because you are with me.

I miss you badly. Sometimes, I want to say something to you, and I dont know what, and I just wish that I could write a song for you.

Climbing up on a downwards escalator : Check

I just wish some people would cry, when I die. The way I have been living for about a year now, I don't think anyone would even notice when I am gone. My best friends have left me, my family has shunned me, and you know what happened to my love. I'm all alone. No one cares for me. No one loves me anymore. I am not blaming anyone. It has been consequence of my own decisions. I don't regret my decisions, not yet atleast. May be I will, when I'm 64.

Why you had to leave? Didn't you know? How do you wanted me to stop you.

I miss you ok. Badly. Sometimes when I am in a crowded train and I feel like crying, I just remove my glasses and keep them in my pocket. And then, I just cry. When I can't see the faces, I feel all alone, and I just cry my heart out.

You rarely get this view of Mumbai local

For yd

I'm thinking of you every waking moment.
And when I sleep, I'm dreamin of you,
Can't even tell you, how much I miss you
I need to be with you...

Baby I love you,
Baby I want you,
Baby I keep you always on my mind
But you already know that, don't you?

Stop loss is a bitch

I don't like cities very much. Its all about having money here. And I don't. So I don't.